应用文精批精改3(课堂讲稿)教师版.docx

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1、应用文精批精改3（课堂讲稿）题目展示：假定你是校学生会主席李华,最近发现不少同学沉迷于购买盲盒。请给校英文报写一封倡议书,号召理性消费,内容包括：1.陈述所观察到的现象：2.提出建议并给出理由。参考词汇：盲盒blind boxes注意：L写作词数应为80左右：2.请按如下格式在答题卡的相应位置作答。审题“三步走”一审文体:倡议书二数要点:四个:现象;建议;理由;号召理性消费,但重点放在建议和理由上。思时态与人称:时态f 一般现在时人称f第一人称（我们）学生作品展示:DeAr QditOrS Of the SChoOL &吗IEh 砌SPaaL. 7升？碑反二/thevcM Stad匕八俗庆川o

2、n;江垢WHff母 W apPe，血J，器尸 rational 勿”加p1Sr九节。S伍WeHWZ S6。双才力论Z的广阴加才口1whi如Oft旭.初历仍ezW而就 w/raf 灼世址匚WCwtMq泣YrU:如K泣血 iq*h访rma工区肉总叶切上叫Wqw浓加瓯 油Igh砥MTA happen gDUicampus:TrW泥rto t就日丁幽Cdt次也.锚射广FrfVb归府;pwppe史that”、近 fMq审qnsin出C “ting :你/亚 Hr 时血 OKIncCtfOxe 葭论彳比0fq讪Cri 刎丁Atu 丁 S。陀FMz也上四鸣.力T怖Q砌&丁杭次饰他送UHiyth/uqtrdi

3、女沛纤M 由如标曲/饰明MRnaIteImti呢中MwiK快ttW8（收你你梦制蝉TM浙面面Hn就加说a加 W你M弱而而有再嬴:=:一中叽甘阿尔司的:恫峰叫小容飞丽桎 ZS血匕女刃MC：第一段:写作背景+目的（应用文高分开头）1 . Dear editors of the school English newspaper, 应该是审题不清,倡议书并不是写给校报编辑的而是全体学生。Dear my fellow students,2 .As the president of the School Students, Union ,If m writing to appealing for rati

4、onal consumption.还是属于审题的问题,是倡议书而非普通的信件,所以用I, m writing to不太恰当； to是不定式符号,后应该用动词的原形.修改提升:AS the president of the Students1 Union, I am making a plea for/appealing for reasonable /sensible/rational consumption.T其它写法 l：As the president of the Students, Union,I am appealing to every student to be a sensi

5、ble consumer.其它写法 2:As the president of the Students, Union,I urge every student to become a responsible consumer.第二段正文:现象的描述3 . To be a student,we should have a clear mind on which of the things we need and what we don, t need.这句话语法和语义上没有问题,但可以稍作修改以使其更地道更常见。一初步修改:AS students, we should have a clear

6、 mind on what we need and what we don, t need.T其它写法 1 ：To succeed as students, we need to be clear about what is necessary and what is not.其它写法 2:As students, it,s crucial to comprehend the difference between what is necessary and what is unnecessary.其它写法 3:As learners, it is vital to distinguish be

7、tween the essential necessities and the non-essential ones.4 .However,recently I, ve seen a craze in my schoolmates for buying blind boxes,which shouldn, t happen on our campus.词汇用法上都没有问题;状语+简单句+非限制定语从句,句子结构也好的。其它写法 1 ：However,recently, I have observed a growing trend among my peers to purchase blin

8、d boxes, which is not a desirable phenomenon.其它写法 2:1 have observed/noticed a concerning/disturbing trend among my peers/fellow students of purchasing blind boxes on campus, a consumption habit that is not worth advocating for.第三段:建议+理由5.1 n order to let students realize their problem,I suppose that

9、 putting signs indicating the harm of the blind boxes may be a good idea.状语+宾从结构,句子结构没有问题,但是通过审题,我们知道倡议书的阅读对象是广 大学生而非编辑,所以StUdentS改为US StUdentS更好;their需要改为OU修改提升:One effective approach to make us students aware of the problems associated with blind boxes is to display signs that clearly indicate the

10、ir harmful effects.建议修改为:AS students,we need to be fully aware of the harmful effects associated with blind boxes.6. Also,some students buying them only to find the pleasure through discovering the unknown things.这句话缺了谓语,应该把buying改为buy; through应该改为in（在方面）修改提升:AlSO,some students buy them only to find

11、 pleasure in discovering the unknown things.其它写法:Additionauy, some students purchase them solely for the enjoyment of uncovering the unknown.7. An alternative game can better cape for their demand and take place of the boxes.就句子的本身来说,cape for应该改为Cater to;take place Of改为take the place Of；句子功能的角度上看,从一

12、款游戏到另一款游戏似乎有些不妥。仅文字修改:HOPefUIly,an alternative game can better cater to our demand and take the place of the blind boxes.建议修改为:To ensure rational spending, I suggest prioritizing and allocating our limited financial resources towards educational expenses rather than for entertainment purposes only.第

13、四段:决心+希望Here, s my opinion.Hoping that these can be useful to you. 句子的本身没有问题,但是对于倡议书来说并不是个好的结尾。： I hope everyone can be more aware of the importance of rational consumption and avoid blindly following the trend. Let,s save our money for more meaningful things and develop healthier habits.一修改提升2: Rem

14、ember, we are the future of our country and we have the responsibility to cultivate responsible spending habits. Let,s work together to create a healthy and positive campus culture.修改提升3:1 m earnestly calling on everyone to spare no effort and contribute to making our school a nicer place.修改精简后的文章完美

15、呈现: Dear my fellow students,As the president of the Students, Union,I urge every student to become a responsible consumer.Recently,I have observed a growing trend among my peers to purchase blind boxes,which is an undesirable phenomenon.As students,we need to be fully aware of the harmful effects associated with blind boxes.Additionally, some students purchase them solely for the enjoyment of uncovering the unknown.To ensure rational spending, I suggest prioritizing and allocating our limited financial resources towards educational expenses rather than for entertainment purpo